Glimpse: Envy

I have one set of friends who own a beautiful, expensive house filled with beautiful, expensive furnishings. Another friend of mine has what I would classify as a perfect body, with long, luscious hair. Yet another friend’s husband treats her like a princess and does all the housework. And one has an important career in which she is highly respected and highly paid.

When I compare my own accomplishments or possessions to theirs, I fall short. But I do have plenty to be proud of.

My husband and I own a comfortable home. We have functional, comfortable furniture. I am much happier with my body/appearance than I used to be. I have a warm, loving, wonderful husband who takes good care of me and our children. And while I don’t have a career yet, I do feel that being a full-time mother is an important contribution.

So why do I feel envious of my friends? Even if I had what they have there would always be someone who had more. There are always bigger mansions, more expensive furniture. There are always higher paid jobs and prettier women. Yet there’s still the nagging longing for my “dream” life. My dream house would have vaulted ceilings and wood and tile floors. My dream job would pay enough that I could buy myself new shoes anytime I wanted them. My dream hair would always be shiny and full of body. My dream husband would not make fun of how much of a geek I am for knowing every episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation by heart.

If one is too comfortable and complacent, they stagnate and forget their goals. If one is too jealous of everyone around them they spend their life being resentful and dissatisfied. So how to find a balance between healthy ambition and contentment? How do I let go of my discontent while not giving up on my dreams?

This is an impasse that I grapple with every day. Is it ambition - or greed? Is it happiness - or laziness? I am thankful for what I have, and I’m not shameful of any of it. I know I am so lucky to be comfortable and well kept. I think the handle I’m grasping for is that I long to put my stamp on life. The “dream” is really just a desire to surround yourself with your own choices. The house that fits your personality perfectly, furnished with your unique style and taste, is really an extension of yourself. “I did this. This is me.” And now I see that I’m not really envious of people around me. I do admire them for what they have chosen to do and be, or for their valuable qualities. But I can be happy and content to live my lovely life while making small improvements along the way. Every time I make a choice that suits me and my family, it brings me a little bit closer to the dream.