How to make a perfectly hideous gingerbread house:

Step 1- Choose a complicated design - Those pre-made kits or cottage style designs are for n00bs. You’re an accomplished domestic and way beyond that! Pick something with dormer windows, covered porches, or octagonal turrets so you can show your talent and really impress everyone.

Step 2 - Who needs a pattern? - And don’t bother to measure either. You don’t need blueprints just for a gingerbread house, a quick sketch should do it. Never mind that the angles of your gables and chimneys could be tricky, this isn’t rocket science. You can always eyeball it while you’re cutting the dough.

Step 3 - Make really intricate cuts - This house is going to be so spectacular! Everyone will be so impressed with your shaped windows with panes and your fancy filigree details. Martha Stewart is going to call you and ask how to make such a fantastic house!

Step 4 - Don’t worry about perfect ion while baking - Darn, the dough keeps stretching out of shape as you transfer your cut pieces to the pan. Oh well, it’ll be fine. You’ll just cover it with icing if it doesn’t match up just so. It’s still going to be awesome. Maybe you should donate it to an orphanage after everyone has seen it so it can bring joy to more people.

Step 5 - Don’t trim the pieces while soft - Oh no! The dough puffed up unevenly and all the fancy cuts you made are puffed over. Oh well, you’ll just add lots of detail with icing later. Now to cool the gingerbread before moving it so it doesn’t break. That would really be a disaster.

Step 6 - Holding the pieces while they dry is really boring - Well, it’s too late to trim the pieces after they’ve cooled because now they’re rock hard. So just stick them together with icing anyway, and nobody will notice where the gaps are. But it’s taking so long for the icing to dry. Luckily you read somewhere that you can prop them all with pop cans and come back later when it’s dry. Easy-peasy!

Step 7 - Use lots of candy - Oops! While you were folding the laundry the pieces slipped despite the pop cans and now the icing has hardened with them off kilter. So the house is lopsided, but that won’t matter once the candies are all stuck on. The more the better, right?

Step 8 - Enjoy! -Well, you mounded as many candies onto the roof as possible and piled them up on the sides too. But the gaps between the roof and walls still show and if it were a real house it definitely wouldn’t pass any hydro-smart tests. The roof looks pretty saggy, maybe you should have used fewer candies up there. Oh well, it’s the thought that counts, right? It’s not like you were hoping for any awards; this was all for the children’s entertainment in the first place (and they’re happy just to scrape up the leftover icing).