Caylie's Birthday

The other day was my daughter’s birthday. She turned four. She is the baby of the family, with an older brother and sister, but she doesn’t compromise on personality.

Caylie was so excited that the whole day was special just for her. We had been counting down the days until her birthday for her, so when it finally arrived, she knew something extraordinary was under way. The minute she woke up in the morning she bounced out of bed beaming and announcing that today she was four! I offered pancakes for breakfast, and Caylie ate them one after another with relish. We presented her with her birthday gifts, and she opened them with sheer pleasure. She was delighted with our choices, and was so proud of her new, Big Girl Stuff. Throughout the day she was given the supreme privilege of choosing our activities. She chose to go to the water park, and all three kids had a great time splashing and spraying each other. We had a meal of Caylie’s request at dinner time: chicken nuggets, corn on the cob, and veggie sticks with dip. Then came cake and ice cream. Caylie got to pick which piece she wanted first, and she gobbled a large piece with ice cream and sprinkles. Then the family sat down to watch a movie together before bed.

Caylie was utterly thrilled with her day. She was so proud of herself for turning four, so happy to be the centre of attention and the recipient of special things. Her quirky little satisfied smile just made my heart skip. The things we did to please her on her birthday were so simple, yet I could tell they meant everything to her. Someday she won’t be so easily contented, but for now she’s still our little girl; happy to have her family around her enjoying some fun and some treats together.

Motivation: Bad Habits

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit."-Aristotle

Bad habits are destructive. The only way I have found to stay motivated to change them is by playing tricks on myself. Yes, sometimes this requires lying.

“But lying is bad”, you’ll say. “And lying to yourself is even worse!” This is true. But if I don’t lie to her and trick her into behaving, Myself will screw me over every time. She’s a bitch that way. She doesn’t care about my goals, only about what she wants here and now. And she can be relentless.

“I want chocolate.” she says. I say No.

“I really want chocolate!” she says. Again, I say No.

“Give me chocolate NOW!” she screams. “Okay.” I tell her. “You can have some chocolate. But first we’ll drink this cup of herbal tea. Then we’ll see about the chocolate.” When we’ve finished the tea, she might forget about the chocolate, or I might have to lie to her again and say she can have it after we’ve chewed all the flavour out of this piece of gum. But usually I can trick her into being satisfied without the chocolate eventually.

This works with other things too. If she wants to watch too much tv. If she wants a drink. I don’t smoke, but I suppose you could use this trick if you were trying to quit. But mostly I use it for food cravings.

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The main concept for me is that I don’t forbid Myself the things I want. If I really need to indulge, then I can allow it. But I don’t want to fall into the bad habit again just for something to do.

Of course, sometimes she wins and then there is just no living with her. She always wants more.

My lesson for today: It’s a never-ending job keeping Myself under control.

Living in the Magazine

We are currently selling our house. The method of sale is to invite total strangers to nose through our intimate living space. This is called a “showing”. The important thing about showings is that these strangers don’t want to see our house in the state we really live. We aren’t just selling a home, we’re selling a fantasy. We’re selling the subconscious idea that this house is not only their dream house, but also their dream life. And truthfully, we don’t want anyone to see how we really live either, given that our house is always messy, and that at any given moment at least one of our three toilets will likely have an unflushed turd on display from one of the kids.

So we have removed all supercilious furniture and belongings and arranged the remaining selections to resemble a magazine. This is called “staging”. We have packed away all photos, mementos, children’s arts and crafts, etc - in the fantasy life there is no clutter! Great. We’re ready for someone to walk in and fall in love with the house.

Except that nobody bought it the same day we staged it. So now we have to wait for someone to come along, and in the meantime we’re living in the magazine. Now we have to scurry around and re-stage the house every time we are notified there will be a showing. Fortunately, our realtor is very considerate about giving us as much notice as possible before the strangers arrive. So we have time to hide the dirty clothes hampers; in the fantasy life, nobody has to do laundry. We also hide the toothbrushes and toothpaste, our coffee maker, and our laptop computers.

And, of course, we put away the toys. Our three children have approximately 30,000 toys which they usually keep strewn on or near the stairs. For showings, though, I carefully organize them onto the toy shelf or stuff them in the toy basket. There are no messy, noisy children in the fantasy!

We also make the beds and arrange the stuffies and pillows in a pleasing way. After one showing we returned to the house to find that the stranger had actually lied down on our bed and put his or her head (I assume it was their head) on our pillow! Kent sounded like Papa Bear when he walked in and said “Somebody’s been sleeping in my bed!”

Then we clean the house from top to bottom and leave it in perfect magazine condition for the showing. When we get home afterwards, we have no idea how long until the next showing so it’s nice to keep the house clean as long as possible, just in case. This is difficult with kids, but we’ve talked to them about it and pressed upon them how much work it is to get ready to show. They understand and are doing their best. Usually they manage not to destroy the house for approximately 12-15 seconds, and then we start all over again.

After so many showings we are getting tired of staging and cleaning and having a parade of lookey-loos traipsing through our home. But we keep hoping that maybe this showing will result in an offer. Maybe this time will be the last! And eventually, it will.

Using your whole ass...

I used to be much heavier. Now I am thinner. I now have a much clearer view of all the mistakes I used to make, but hindsight is 20/20 and it’s much harder to see your own flaws as you are flawing them. Here are what I believe to be my biggest mistakes:

Refusing to own the state of my body.
"I had three kids and three c-sections - you can‘t expect me to bounce right back. "

"Many of my family members struggle with weight too - it must be genetic."

"I really do try to eat well - it’s not fair how some people can eat anything they want and still be skinny. "

"I do exercise - I’m just not getting any results."

Excuses.
"I coughed the other day, I’m probably fighting off a cold - wouldn’t want to deplete my immune system by working out. "

"I’m so exhausted from working and mothering and housekeeping - I need my rest."

"I feel really down today - I need a treat to make myself feel better."

"Looking in the mirror, I don’t look that bad. Lots of people look worse than I do.

"My problem areas are disfunctional. There’s nothing I can do about them."

Making half-assed attempts.

I started going to boot camp twice a week. But I took lots of rests and used only the lightest weights. My strength did improve, but I really didn’t make any headway.

I went to step-aerobics twice a week too, but did just the bare minimum. Then I wondered why I wasn’t losing much weight.

I tried to eat healthier, lower calorie food. But still had lots of treats and hefty portions at meals.

I thought I was doing all I could to change my body, but I really didn’t want to change my habits.

Now I’m using my whole ass. When I decided to get serious, I set myself a set of goals and drastically changed all my habits.

Goal 1: Work out twice a day, everyday, for 30 minutes. I varied the workouts to include aerobics and strength, some in classes, some on my own.

Goal 2: Eat smaller portions. I was hungry at first, but I could distract myself from it.

Goal 3: Eliminate treats and unhealthy foods. I don’t need dessert after meals, I don’t need snacks before dinner or before bed.

Goal 4: Avoid “diet” foods. It’s tempting to eat the aspartame treats and calorie free sodas, but in the long run it doesn’t help.

Goal 5: Utilize self motivators to help me stay on track.

Goal 6: If I “slip up” and miss a workout, or eat something bad for me, I forgive myself and move on. I won’t get discouraged or give up.

I did these things for 6 months and lost 25 lbs. I made it to my goal weight in that time. Since then, I’ve lost further weight and modified my workouts to increase intensity. But I still am focusing on these goals and still have to keep myself on track, even after more than a year. I have now lost 35 lbs and have surpassed my goal weight.

My Lesson For Today: Half-assed doesn’t work. To get what you want, you have to set yourself your own goals and use your whole ass in working toward them.

　

　

Comfort Foods

Panic. Stress. Anxiety. Fear of defeat. Desperation. This week has been full of things chipping away at my composure, not the least of which is the non-sale of our house. All of this culminated in a few hours of panic today. I have tried to remain positive and hopeful. I have tried to take my mother’s advice and release only positive imagery into the universe and visualizing my preferred outcome. But today, the negativity got the better of me and I cracked at the seams.

Fortunately, at times like this I have a loving husband to lend an ear and shoulder. After listening to my panicked ramblings, he was able to soothe me. However, both of us were out of sorts today and felt restless and unsettled. And we turned to comfort foods.

I have long had a relationship with comfort foods. In my heavier days I indulged in my favourites all too often for the pleasure of it. Now that I’ve chosen to change my eating habits, I have renounced most of the treats I used to keep on hand. Here were some of my favourites:

- Stoned Wheat Thins: They are simply delicious. And they fit the cheese slice perfectly. But the half-salt kind just aren’t the same… if they had extra salt ones that would be a hit.

- Chocolate: Mmmmm. I love to cram a big mouthful in… it’s heavenly.

- Drink: Gin and tonic, beer, Kahlua, etc. Especially on a hot day.

- Licorice: Black.

- Cookies: Oreos, home-made butterscotch chip, fudgeos

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…And many more. Anyway, I haven’t completely forbidden myself treats, but I have allowed them rarely enough that they are really special joys. Usually it’s a positive experience to indulge in one of my favourite delicacies, since it’s in celebration of a special occasion or a well deserved reward. So today I dived in. I ate cookies, chocolate, ice cream, candy. Small amounts of each, but still. Now I feel more miserable. Not only am I still stressed about everything, but now I have slipped up in my goals. The comfort foods don’t comfort, they just pile on the guilt.

My Lesson For Today: The pleasurable things in life should remain pleasurable. If I feel worse about myself for having indulged in them, it’s not worth it.

Introduction

Patch of Blue…

I love sunshine. I love the feel of the warmth on my shoulders from above. I love the golden kiss on my face and hair. I feel the rich rays of light infusing my body and the landscape around me with nourishment.

I live in Canada. While I love this country and all it offers, often other places like Mexico and Hawaii hog all the sun. What we in Western Canada are left with during the cooler months is overcast skies. Frequently these cloudy heavens are accompanied by dampness in the air, but also just the shady cold under the cloud blanket.

Sometimes while riding in the car on the way to an anticipated event - picnic, day at the playground, festival, parade, you name it - I look up at the sky to gauge the upcoming weather. I see grey. I know the day will be chilly, and may be wet. While we will still make the most of our plans for the day, the disappointing weather takes the fun down a notch. Now and then when I look at the sky, I see a little patch of blue ahead. That patch of sky peeking though the cloud layer represents hope; hope that the clouds will clear away and the sun will shine through (even if only briefly) to make our day brighter and our fun funner.

The patch of blue has become an analogy for hope in every area of my life. A reminder that just on the other side of the heavy clouds is a clear, sun-filled sky just waiting to shine through. No matter how dreary my task or how difficult my day, there is always a chance it will brighten up.

I am making an effort to focus on positive things. To look at the sky and see the patch of blue, not dwell on the rain clouds. I mean to find inspiration and motivation every day to be the person I want to be. The purpose of this blog is to share my journey, successes and defeats. I hope you will be able to learn from my mistakes, share my epiphanies (if I ever have any), and choose your own motivations from what I have to offer. I welcome your input, your advice, your comments, or just commiseration. Thanks for reading… for now, I see a patch of blue and a ray of sun in the sky outside so I’m going out to enjoy it.